Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lies a simpleton told you: Cody, the elusive "boyfriend"

Paula has been pushing for a post recounting the myriad of lies I've told throughout my life. I told her it would have to remain in draft form or be subject to constant editing, because delving into my memory for these faux-gems has left them coming at me in waves. However, after investigating the reasons for and repercussions of several lies, the post started to get too long and I've decided to instead break my tall tales down individually.

I spent about half of my life fawning over a boy named Vern. We fell in love at 12. He looked like this:

Before we fell, we dated. This meant chatting on AIM, exchanging limited words in gym class and, of course, telling all of our friends about the "relationship."

After a tough break-up (during which I succeeded in rallying the entire sixth grade student body against him- chants of "pansy" reverberated in hallways surrounding the gymnasium whenever he approached the plate in kickball) and a subsequent friendship, on the last day of school in sixth grade, we decided to get back together for the summer. During this phase of the relationship, we were better acquainted, but still far from the point of speaking terms because I was confined within the fenced boundaries of our middle school playground for YMCA summer day camp. So we talked online and never saw each other.

Then one day in August he happened to ride his bike by school while I was at the edge of the playground on the tire swing. My heart stopped when I realized it was him. He said hi. I said hi. He didn't stop. As he cycled away, I proudly whispered to the little girl swinging with me, "That's my boyfriend!"

We broke up shortly thereafter via the internet. I would ask myself for weeks how I had missed the warning signs.

After the virtual break up, word got out that this slut Adriana (whose mother was lax on rules and did not enroll her in summer camp) pulled a balloon off of his tongue at a classmate's birthday party. WITH HER MOUTH. (Adriana would too later be subject to my abuse- the following year she would leave school early on a regular basis after cowering to glares and insults. Her mother would eventually take time out of her work day to publicly cuss me out in the cafeteria as Vern's nearby table of delinquent boys would shout their support, encouraging me to "Throw a punch!!" Adriana and I would one year later become best friends and stay close for the duration of high school.)

I wanted revenge. There were several boys at summer camp that I could have potentially kissed to get back at Vern, but it seemed much easier to fabricate a new relationship than to actually spend time pursuing people I did not like. There was a boy there named Cody whom I'd known since moving to Michigan at age eight. I'd had a crush on him in the past and determined he would be the perfect candidate for a new fake bf because he was still very cute and we were good friends, so it seemed it wasn't too much of a stretch to say we were dating. The next time Vern came online, I told him of my new boyfriend. I can't remember whether he expressed any jealousy, but later chat sessions would begin with "How's Cody?"

When school resumed in the fall I told Vern Cody and I ended things because it had only ever been meant to be a summer romance (this proclamation coincided with my first taste of the musical, Grease). Vern and I fell in love a few weeks later and would break up and get back together 25 more times before finally ending our relationship in early eighth grade.

Four years later we had biology together. Being that it was the class period after lunch, I was stoned more often than not. I still loved Vern very much, only these days the feeling was no longer reciprocated. One day as I sat high as fuck staring ahead blankly, he popped his grinning head into my field of vision from the adjacent lab table and slowly held up a white piece of paper. Written on it in huge letters was the name "Cody."

One of my friends had mentioned the lie to him thinking I would have come clean by that point, only she recounted the details incorrectly and said Cody never existed. To this day I have still not lived it down.

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